I will admit this right now: I was a very strange child.
But I thank my strangeness then for my personality now. Which some people seem to enjoy.
In honor of the new Muppets movie opening today, I had to divulge this deep dark secret I have: Kermit the Frog was the first and only imaginary friend I ever had. And… My very first BOYFRIEND. What can I say? We were in love.
“Brittany, how’s your boyfriend Kermit doing?” my then babysitter Annie-Banannie (very original nickname I gave her, huh?) would ask me.
I would blush up, roll my foot around on the ground in a figure 8 motion and say “Oh… He’s just fine…”
I only opened up about my relationship with Kermit to a very select few. It was personal. I was also scrared to death of Miss Piggy. I thought for sure she knew about him and I. That one night she would show up in her silky pink gloves and murder me and totally get away with it. Come on, let’s admit it. The broad’s got some anger issues. But he wanted to be with me and not her, which was all that mattered!
Then one day it happened: Kermit just dissappeared. I looked everywhere for him. Under my bed*, under the couch, in the basement… But he was no where. I still to this day don’t know why he left me so abruptly without even a goodbye. He didn’t even leave a note! Well, I guess I couldn’t even read then… I’m sure there was a good reason for what he did, maybe it was just too hard for him to say farewell. Or maybe that biiiiiitch Piggy got into his head.
Whatever it was, I just want you to know Kermit: You were my first love and I blame you for nothing. I can’t wait to see you again after all these years on the bigscreen. I will try not to tear up over our memories. Or have my boyfriend kick your ass.
*Sidenote: I thought Kermit might have left me to live under my bed with Johnny Depp and help him protect me from the murderous Chucky doll. But that’s another strange story for another time…